If . . .

I were thin or willing to spend money on clothes, I would wear these clothes. For the most part this is my style although I don't dress as well as I cold. It's hard to want to dress your fat body. It's also difficult to find clothes.

It's really fun to make the polyvores though. I don't know why last time the list of everything was included was included and this time it isn't. I don't really care; it was relaxing to make it.

What do you like to wear?

K.

empty

I am really trying to get in touch with my feelings. It's tough for me.

I'm realizing I feel so lonely. From the outside my life doesn't look lonely, but somehow my heart is. I know my family love me and I have many friends that do.

I feel disconnected from people, yet I work hard to keep it that way. I do and I don't want to be connected. There are so many (man, what is the word?! I am having such a hard time finding words lately!) ummm, contradictions like that in me. I feel invisible and obvious at the same time. I want to be social yet I hole up. I need people and I push them away.

I really feel so broken and incomplete. Wait, do I feel that, or do I just see myself that way? I don't even know what is a feeling and what isn't most of the time. I feel lonely, alone, disconnected, unimportant, isolated, unknown, and I also feel angry, scared, confused, pissed, helpless and sad.

A big part of me wants to be different, but I guess a bigger part of me doesn't. I wish I didn't know any better. because then I could go on and live my life and not have to feel - period. I guess maybe I have to get through a huge mountain of feelings and sort through them and learn about them and then maybe I can be normal and happy? I am so resistant to doing that. It's scary and what if I change? Plus, I've practiced my whole life how to "be" without feeling anything. I am so hypersensitive to anything negative that I shut it all out. That's why I use.

My parents were/are fucking assholes!!!!!!!!!! How could they not see this in me?!?!?!?! How could they not want me to be well? Dicks! Assholes - fucking assholes!!!!!!!!!!!! What about my baby girl? I see me in her and it terrifies me. I don't want her to suffer like I do and have for, well forever. I'm worried about her and I feel like I have gone as far as I know how.

Enough. I am crying. That's good for me. I'm going to try to go up to Pie. I'm afraid to do that. I need to let him in, but -- it's so confusing. I know I'm not supposed to expect (or even want) him to fill my voids, but isn't it good to go to him?

Here is the end of my thought train. I'm going up to Pie and getting into bed.

K.

multiple choice

me: (after hurrying to catch up) are we on the right side?

he: no, we're on the left side

me: I'm asking if we are on the correct side

he: raises his eyebrows slightly and cocks his head toward the wall with the info

Is he:

(a) socially inept

(b) mean

(c) clueless

(d) a bit of each

I wonder how he would describe the interaction.

polyvore is fun

If I can figure out how to get my polyvore room here, it will be really cool! Our room looks nothing like this now and I don't know if it would be a good room for us, but I think it's so pretty and calming. Don't you think it would be a good summer room? I suppose winter too since it's not like it gets snowy here, but it might be too "breezy." I think it is so interesting that one's taste changes over time. So at this particular moment, this room completely does it for me.

breezy bedroom by karenpolinsky featuring Brighton pants

Brighton Dresser by Summer Hill Ltd.
decorati.com
More Brighton pants »

PoshLiving - Coastal Living Captiva Chair in Choice of Color - Product...
poshliving.com

DwellStudio® Casablanca Bedding Collectio : Target
$25 - target.com

Zara Home - WHAT'S NEW - Johanna Jug
9.99 GBP - zarahome.com

Pendelleuchte Lamp Chandelier — bei heine.de
749 EUR - heine.de

The Well Appointed House by Melissa Hawks. Extra Large Horizontal...
$1,220 - wellappointedhouse.com

ROBERT INDIANA LOVE Paper Weight
90 EUR - colette.fr

Pier 1 Imports - Blue Moulded Desk Frame
$12 - pier1.com

Coastal Living Beachcomber Table in Choice of Color - PoshLiving
$65 - poshliving.com

Maine Cottage: Coral Porch Pillow
$295 - mainecottage.com

Macy's | Floor Lamps, Lighting Floor Lamps, Floor Lamp Light - Macy's
$399 - macys.com

Lavender elizabethW Travel Candle in Burlap Moistureproof Bag: Kitchen...
$20 - amazon.com

RUTBO
$30 - ikea.com

Sheesha Euro Pillow
$380 - calypso-celle.com

Multi Color Striped Rainbow Flower Holder Floral Vase: Kitchen &...
$37 - amazon.com

Gerbera Daisies in Vase - Pier 1 Imports ♥
$20 - pier1.com

Piles of Books
fremontlibraries.wordpress.com

iHome iP88 Dual Dock Stereo Triple Alarm Clock Radio for iPhone and...
apple.com

P.O.D.s*

I want to try to put some pictures on here so it is interesting.

Everyday, I think about the dog that I will one day have. I've wanted a dog since I was at least eight years old. I want one to play with, and go for walks, and meet other dog people, and to be my buddy.

I'd like a poodle mix for really two reasons. Hopefully, it won't shed and poodles are very smart.

Look how cute they are.

I don't even care what color it is, although black is my last choice. I do want a medium size baby, about 20ish pounds.

I can't wait until I get my dog!

These photos were taken from The Daily Puppy. It's not a site I regularly go to but I wanted to be able to give proper credit so I picked one site.

* Pictures of Dogs

I know, I'm very clever.

I seriously cannot figure it out!

Okay, I know this is ridiculous, but I do not know how to get to this blog!!!! I got here by accident just now!

Maybe now that I don't share this computer as much since A got her very own, I can bookmark how to get here. For now it's a secret though, so I don't want others to see how to get here or that it even exists.

I had such a nice day today. Woke up around 9:30 and watched A babysitting Gracie. Too cute - both of them! Took A to the bank to deposit some money. She is such a responsible little thing. After lunch and laundry, H and I went for a bike ride. We rode around the lake and stopped at Stow House and got to take a free tour. It was great. By the time we got home, I was exhausted and even though H begged to ride more I couldn't. I am really glad I actually got out there are used my body a bit! Of course, as I was putting my bike away I noticed I blew a tire again. Man! That was certainly making it harder for me to ride. Why does that happen to me so much? I have a patch kit that I have never used, but I'm too lazy to figure it out. I don't want to have to buy a new umm . . . inner tube? again. Oh well.

Pie made Pat Corley's Chicken Francesca for dinner tonight. Yum!

I want to try to post more, so I'm going to see if I can bookmark this page right now.

K.

lost

I have thought of many things to post, but I couldn't find the blog for weeks. I'm still not completely sure how I got here and I bet I won't be able to find it again. I will keep trying though!

K.