If . . .

I were thin or willing to spend money on clothes, I would wear these clothes. For the most part this is my style although I don't dress as well as I cold. It's hard to want to dress your fat body. It's also difficult to find clothes.

It's really fun to make the polyvores though. I don't know why last time the list of everything was included was included and this time it isn't. I don't really care; it was relaxing to make it.

What do you like to wear?

K.

empty

I am really trying to get in touch with my feelings. It's tough for me.

I'm realizing I feel so lonely. From the outside my life doesn't look lonely, but somehow my heart is. I know my family love me and I have many friends that do.

I feel disconnected from people, yet I work hard to keep it that way. I do and I don't want to be connected. There are so many (man, what is the word?! I am having such a hard time finding words lately!) ummm, contradictions like that in me. I feel invisible and obvious at the same time. I want to be social yet I hole up. I need people and I push them away.

I really feel so broken and incomplete. Wait, do I feel that, or do I just see myself that way? I don't even know what is a feeling and what isn't most of the time. I feel lonely, alone, disconnected, unimportant, isolated, unknown, and I also feel angry, scared, confused, pissed, helpless and sad.

A big part of me wants to be different, but I guess a bigger part of me doesn't. I wish I didn't know any better. because then I could go on and live my life and not have to feel - period. I guess maybe I have to get through a huge mountain of feelings and sort through them and learn about them and then maybe I can be normal and happy? I am so resistant to doing that. It's scary and what if I change? Plus, I've practiced my whole life how to "be" without feeling anything. I am so hypersensitive to anything negative that I shut it all out. That's why I use.

My parents were/are fucking assholes!!!!!!!!!! How could they not see this in me?!?!?!?! How could they not want me to be well? Dicks! Assholes - fucking assholes!!!!!!!!!!!! What about my baby girl? I see me in her and it terrifies me. I don't want her to suffer like I do and have for, well forever. I'm worried about her and I feel like I have gone as far as I know how.

Enough. I am crying. That's good for me. I'm going to try to go up to Pie. I'm afraid to do that. I need to let him in, but -- it's so confusing. I know I'm not supposed to expect (or even want) him to fill my voids, but isn't it good to go to him?

Here is the end of my thought train. I'm going up to Pie and getting into bed.

K.